The futility of loss
by Ems4179
Summary: The loss of someone you care about can change you beyond all recognition.  Random drabble about Rufus.  I thought that I'd leave this at one part but, I had inspiration so it's three parts now.  I promise this is the last though.
1. Chapter 1

Rufus sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He was irritated and more than a tad claustrophobic. All he really wanted to do was get up and walk out of his office and never come back but, he couldn't do that. Far too many people were relying on him to be there and do what he was meant to be. Still, he didn't want to be there, didn't want to be working, didn't want to be...alone.

He sighed again, lifted up the silly meaningless paperweight that sat on his desk. It was supposedly a representation of their world as seen from space. Who knew if it was accurate. He spun it around his desk, catching it just before it fell off the edge. It had been a random present from Reno for who knew what reason. Probably won it or stole it while he was drunk. It was rather odd and didn't quite fit with Rufus' image but, he'd never been able to bring himself to part with it or put it away.

Now of course, it was a moot point. It was all he had left of him. Reno had died diving in front of a bullet shot from a mad man's gun to protect him. Tseng had no choice but to shoot the man before he tried again but, it was of little consequence to Reno anyway - a mortal wound, he had moments to live. Nothing could save him but, at least he'd saved Rufus. The moment that they'd buried Reno after he'd died, diving in front of the bullet to save Rufus, colour had become the enemy. Colours haunted his dreams when he could manage to sleep - Reno's blood mixing with his bright hair, Reno's blood soaking into his grey trench, Reno's blood splattered on the carpets...

The image of the blood soaking into his clothes had haunted him. How he'd hated to see them after that! In a fit of rage, he'd thrown everything on a fire, burning his once-favoured grey clothes, swapping them for black - a colour that better suited him now. Black was the colour of grief after all and of the night. The night made him feel better anyway. Nighttime was less cheery and less offensive to him than the day with all it's brightness and cheer. The night was his one remaining comfort.

He no longer had Reno, what else was there? Perhaps if he could picture him in any other way but that of the last moment alive, he could get through each day better but, he just couldn't. They say that a picture is worth a thousand words, the last image of Reno's face before he died was certainly worth that - he saw clearly love, loss, sadness, regret, hurt, relief that he'd saved Rufus, pride…so many emotions passed in what could only have been a second. It felt like it could have been a lifetime but, not long enough to say thank you never mind the million and one things he wanted to tell Reno…


	2. Grief

Rufus sighed and took another drink of scotch. He closed his eyes as the liquid burned its way down his throat. He'd hoped that it would help him forget but it didn't – the moment that he closed his eyes, Reno was right there beside him in full living colour. If he could just stay in that moment forever, perhaps he'd be happy but it never lasted.

It made it harder every time he opened his eyes and realised the reality – of course there was no Reno. His favourite Turk was gone. All he had left of him was the silly paperweight that sat on his desk.

Why had he never told him how he felt? Reno had told him more times than enough that he cared – that he more than cared but he hadn't heard it. Grief choked him at the thought of how he'd carelessly ignored the words that Reno spoke because it was WRONG.

Wrong! How preposterous that now sounded - how could anything that could hurt this much, now that it was gone, be wrong? That was the reason he kept drinking – every drink that he took was another second with him, another moment when he could almost taste his essence, drink him in and have him near…

Lost in his thoughts, he hardly noticed when he spilled the scotch over the papers on his desk. What difference did it make anyway? Did anyone read the papers; did anyone even do anything about anything he signed any more? What difference did any of it make?

Without Reno, he discovered that his world and everything he held dear was inconsequential. The only thing he hadn't seen for it's true value was gone from him forever. He'd taken Reno, his love and his protection for granted and now he was alone.

In a fit of rage as he finally registered the papers, he growled before sweeping them off his desk. He caught the paperweight, a surge of panic rushed through him as it started to follow but, even with the alcohol in his system, he managed to catch it and put it at least back in it's place – centre stage – where Reno had always been whether he'd told him or not. He should have told him…

He lifted his glass to his lips again. Perhaps if he drank enough, Reno would finally stay…


	3. Ignoring the only one that matters

Every morning it was the same - Rufus scowled at the paperwork in front of him as the door to his office was unceremoniously flung open. He didn't lift his head though and he totally ignored the feeling that rushed through him at the knowledge that only one person would be brave enough to do so. Instead, he kept on working on the letter he'd been writing.

He totally ignored Reno as he came closer, ignored him even more as he felt him standing too close at his side. It was only when he'd finished the letter and read it over to check for any typos that he deigned to look at the red haired man watching him in that manner that was pure Reno. "Something you want, Turk?"

Reno smirked at the question. "You already know the answer to that, boss." Rufus rolled his eyes and sighed. "What do you want? I'm busy. This had better be important – I have better things to be doing than dealing with you."

He ignored too, the flash of pain that tore through him as he witnessed the wounded look that appeared on Reno's face for the briefest of seconds. He knew it was all for show – or if it was more than that, the only thing that was hurt was Reno's ego and that could only be good for the Turk. He didn't understand why Reno insisted on continuing with this charade – no one could want Rufus the way that Reno claimed time and again. He knew it was all just a game to the redhead – just another way to pass his time. No doubt if he'd ever taken him up on the offer, he'd have run a mile. No, it was better by far to keep his distance.

Besides, whether Reno knew it himself or not, he knew why Reno did what he did – obviously there would be a huge advantage to being with the boss or at the least, keeping him sweet so yes, he flirted. Couldn't really blame him for that but, sometimes he just wished that Reno would mean what he said…. So he squished even the smallest possibility that they could be together and watched with a passive expression instead as Reno flirted with him one moment then paraded a long line of different women in front of him in the next. It drove him a little crazier each day.

He'd never let him know how much it hurt though. Never! He had too much to lose and nothing to gain from telling him so, he'd settle for those moments first thing in the morning when Reno would shove into his office like it was his own – he'd continue this little ritual because for a moment, just one small moment each day, he could actually believe that Reno was his, wanted to be his for his own sake, not for who he was.

Only when Reno had imparted his news and left his office did he let down his guard. He dropped the pen from his fingers, let his gaze fall for a moment on the silly paperweight he really should have gotten rid of long ago then rested his head in his hands for another moment and took a couple of deep breaths to regain his control.

For that fleeting moment each day, he allowed himself to be human. When that was done, he was once more Rufus Shinra, President - cold, calm, calculating with a heart that no one could touch…


End file.
